I still believe in the magic of falling in love, but I'm in this very strange place in life that makes it feel like that magic is just out of reach for me. A huge part (maybe all) of the problem lies within myself, because I'm pretty sure that I am going about this whole 'finding someone' thing all wrong. I have been evaluating my habits and trying to change unhealthy patterns that I see in my relationship history, because if I want to get it right some day something has got to change.
I don't let people in.
My mom is an amazing woman and she taught me so many invaluable things, two of which being independence and self-sufficiency. I may have taken these qualities a little too far when it comes to letting a person into my life though, and I built a bit of a wall around my heart. My intention was to protect myself from unnecessary pain, but it cost me a lot of real relationships. I think that when we try to subconsciously make ourselves whole by linking our hearts to someone else we will end up causing both parties incredible heartache, so I wanted to ensure that I was doing everything on my own. The problem that I have run into is that by trying so hard to prove that I dont need anyone else, I have been causing the same amount of damage to myself and to guys that tried to get close to me!
I'm going after the wrong things.
I like to think that I am a not shallow person and that I dont judge people by what they look like, but when it comes to dating I have been incredibly shallow. I choose guys that will boost my ego instead of ones that will complement my heart well. The main focus in this mindset has actually been worrying about what other people will think of us, and a huge part of this is my own insecurity about being attractive enough. Even when I am not focusing on looks, my standards for men have been flimsy at best. It scares me to make a list of things that I really want in a partner because if I find someone 'cute' that doesn't match my list then I will run into a moral conflict. It's easier to evaluate my current crush and justify all the things that I actually need to run away from. Let me tell you all that I DO NOT expect to find a 'perfect man'. I don't expect that from anyone, but I do need to start holding out for something more than what I have experienced in the past, and I need to stop looking for the parts of people that really don't amount to much in the end.
I'm a gypsy.
I don't believe that there is only one soul mate out there meant for me and if I don't find him I wont find happiness. I believe that God leaves the choice to love someone up to me and he will bless the relationships I am in if I invite him into the middle of it. I know that staying in love is not about the feelings or the rush, because all that stuff will eventually fade. Loving someone forever involves waking up every morning and choosing them, whether you like them that day or not. That initial overwhelming passionate part is a lot of what I have been chasing after lately though, and that fades as soon as the guy makes a mistake. I am quick to use that opportunity as an escape so that I can avoid any serious commitment. I am incredibly selfish with my time and my freedom right now. I want to be able to be where my friends are, hang out with my family, or take off to somewhere halfway around the world without having to consider someone else's feelings. As much as I want romatic companionship, being 'tied down' really scares me.
I pick relationships that I know are on unstable ground to begin with.
I have a combination of a 'fixer complex' and self-sabotage thing going on. I pick relationships with guys that are in the middle of battling something big so that I can be the one to help them pull it all together. Or I pick guys that I think I can change. I'm not sure if that is because I feel guilty leaving unfixed damage once I recognize it, or if I am attracted to that sort of situation in the first place because I want to be some sort of hero. Either way, it bites me in the ass every time. I end up unhappy because this guy can't be what I need in a relationship when he doesn't even have his own crap together! It starts to turn me bitter and impatient and I end up breaking my own heart.
I can't find closure or healing from my past.
I had one of those haunting failed relationships that seems to be sticking with me longer than I thought it would. I don't know if we were just the wrong people for each other, or if we were the right people at the wrong time, but it has left me feeling unfinished... Or just like a failure. That past still weighs heavy sometimes because it took so long to get to a place of releasing it and walking away. Even once I found that place, I still replay things over and over in my mind to figure out what I did wrong and what I should have done instead. When it feels like you missed the 'real thing' by only half a step, it's hard to admit defeat. There is a part of me that has no desire to get close enough to someone to want to put my whole heart in again. The process of getting to that point, and trying to recover from it, has left me so exhausted that doing it again sounds just slighting more fun than sticking my hand in the garbage disposal. One day, with the right man, it won't feel so difficult, but today is not that day and I don't think tomorrow is either.
I look too much at others' relationships.
I have some amazing examples of love in my life, and I couldn't be more thankful for that! My father, and some pretty amazing men in my friend group, have challenged me to raise my standards on who I want to end up with. I know quite a few couples that are open about the struggles and joys of marriage and have shed some much needed light on what it looks like to love someone selflessly for the rest of my life. However, I have also watched some marriages crumble when it seemed like they had it all together and that freaks me out - what if that happens to me?! I also run into a problem when I compare great relationships to mine because I start to forget that walking through life next to someone is going to look entirely different for me than for anyone else. I have especially had issues when I expect the guy I am dating to live up to all these external standards when he has no clue what I am even thinking about. That is how you drive even a great man insane; make him guess what you want, especially when you don't even know what you want!
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