I know deep down that everything is going to be fine when I get to these panicky places, but it still happens more than I care to admit. I start to go over and over the mistakes that I've made and I start to feel like my life can't ever look the way I want it to because I have messed it up so badly for myself. Why didn't I do an internship after college? Why couldn't I made things work with that guy? Why am I not waking up at 5:00am every morning to run? What the hell was last weekend about? Or the last few weekends? I don't even know who I am so worried about impressing, because no one is putting this pressure on me but my own self. I'm realizing how often thoughts like these are consuming me. I think I fill most of my days feeling disappointed in myself and trying to frantically come up with some plan to feel like I'm doing something with my life. I'm going to give myself an aneurism if I keep this up! Of course, I don't want to be complacent and stop shooting for the stars, but I also need to stop beating myself up for not always being on top of the world. Am I the only 20-something person out there who is feeling this way? I'm curious if people are struggling the same way I am, or have struggled this same way and got through it.
My solution to my crisis is to fly myself half-way across the world in an attempt to figure it out. That's a lot of pressure to put on a two week trip, and it's probably not the healthiest solution... Or the most affordable. In fact, it's only just putting and ocean between me and the issues that I need to work out. However, I'm still hoping that jumping out of my comfort zone and having quite a bit of alone time will help me to sort through some things. If I plan to come back from this trip less panicky about the direction my life is taking, I feel like I should try to narrow down the specifics of my cloud of growing anxiety.
1. My job is not currently satisfying me and there really isn't much room for growth. This being said, I don't know which path I should go down next in order to pursue my dreams. Any career switch will require a lot of hard work, so I want to make sure that it's what I really love. Goal: figure out which passion I need to pursue that will also make me some money.
2. I stopped taking care of my emotional and spiritual needs. Not only has this left me feeling irritated and blank, but it's gone so far that I've actually been making choices that have been incredibly damaging to my soul. Goal: set some new daily habits that will nurture my spirit and lead me back to love.
3. Somewhere along the line, I decided that since I'm not super impressive, or doing all kinds of impressive things with impressive people all the time that I am not worth much or don't have enough to offer. I think I'm trying to punish myself towards success and that is never the best strategy for motivation. Goal: start encouraging myself and cutting myself some slack for not having it all together all the time.
So, Cambodia.
I'm asking you to be a place for working on my new goals. Teach me some things about life and love and adventure. I'm looking to re-center myself among your beauty.
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